Is it sad that I see this as a land mark in fluency? I feel like it takes a certain amount of expertise to know a phrase so selective. But hum, this post is about to turn toward more serious matters.
I hate trying to phrase this, because i'm certain that regardless it will sound as awful as it is going to sound. I used to believe that people were put in our lives when we needed them. Maybe this semester has rekindled this belief for me just a little bit. The people I have met through this program, both students and professors, even and especially my host mom, have provided me with something i didn't have. Something i needed but maybe didn't realize I needed. I feel like I could go through and just list everyone and what they've meant to me, but I don't want to do that. That would be a summary and I'm not ready to summarize this semester, because it's not over. Nor will I ever summarize people, or life for that matter because it is constantly changing and too full for definition.
I would like to mention, however, how uncannily I connect with my Madame. Sometimes, when it's just me and her, there's a lot of silence. I know.... but i think she might like it. I hope she finds my presence calming rather than unnerving anyway. But sometimes, like tonight, we talk about freaking life. And I think I've seen a fair amount for someone of 21 years, more than my peers anyway. Sometimes it feels like a burden, and sometimes i just wish I could spend some time mindlessly watching TV. I see the lives some of my peers have led, how easy of a ride it's been, and I feel just... frustrated. Mostly because I feel foreign to everyone. And yet, this french woman who is old, who i happen to be living with, told me tonight something I needed to hear. "Some families seem to go along fine, and some seem to have always a problem." she told me. I smiled. I didn't have nearly enough french to convey how much i agreed with her, how much my family always has a problem. Or two. But then she looked at me,"But, in fact, life is never simple for anyone. People search for happiness" she said, "but it amounts to nothing. Happiness is a moment, a very small, fast moment." Looking at her, I know she is the kind of woman who looks back on these moments. Some might call this dwelling in the past, but I think it takes strength to appreciate what you have in face of what you had. And if nothing else, it is an amazing thing to be able to connect with someone of a different nationality, a different age, and have an understanding. Because we've fought the same battle, or more realistically watched someone fight the same battle. And hopefully I'll remember this and stop wishing I liked Jersey Shore.
